Accepting The Unacceptable.

Three weeks ago, on the 22^nd of November, 2010, my darling 24 year old son Ethan died. His death has left the whole family shocked and devastated at the news, and trying to make sense of life without his cheerful, funloving, noisy presence. We farewelled him with his many friends in Melbourne, and have now returned to New Zealand to start to make sense of his death and the fact that we only got to share 24 years with him.

We have been keeping in touch, talking, learning what it means to mourn, and coming to terms with his death. We have shared stories, laughed at his many antics, and become closer to family members as we have supported each other. We have certainly had dark moments when it hits us that he is gone from us, and will not come back.

Yesterday my thoughts turned to acceptance, or dealing with, or coming to terms with Ethan's death. I quickly decided that, for the present, acceptance is one million miles away, so I was left with dealing with or coming to terms with his death. I soon realized that I was not ready to do that, and maybe there was a step before that. I have named it “coming to terms with coming to terms with” his death. The moment you realise you have to deal with it. And it is not only with major events such as an unexpected death, where you are brutally confronted with the need to accept, adjust, change and make some very big decisions when the event is totally out of your control, but it is in your everyday lives where you have some control over the events.

It is that moment where you first truly see the writing on the wall, but before you have any idea how you are going to respond. Your marriage has been difficult, but you have not yet decided to acknowledge that something needs to be done. Your job has been stressing you out, but you have not thought about what that means as you know you might have to face something you don't want to face. It is at this moment that it starts to come into focus as something that you have to acknowledge and deal with.

And for me, it is coming to terms with the fact that I have to come to terms with Ethan's early death, and what that means for my life, and the lives of my family. It is maybe, just a little bit, the first tiny step toward acceptance.

The International Wellbeing Study

I have discovered a very exciting international study that is currently running. This study is designed to learn about people's health and wellbeing. It is called the International Wellbeing Study. The study is being conducted in eleven languages, and is available online to allow people from all over the world to take part.

If you would like to participate, go to The International Wellbeing Study and click on "Click here to participate" You will need to fill in the questionnaire five times over a year, in March, June, September, and December.

What do you think of the idea of the study? Did you fill out the questionnaire? Come back and share your thoughts and ideas.

Have a wonder-filled day.

Worry Is A Real Worry.

Worry and anxiety are insidious thieves of your peace and well-being. They distract you from developing the right mindset to create your extraordinary life and prevent you from focusing on what is necessary to move you in the direction you want to go in. This is true whether worry is generalized worrying about life, or specific and “deserving” events.

I want to write about different aspects of worry, and suggest some ways of dealing with worry.

Worry has a negative effect on your mind and your daily life. It can be seen in the form of pessimism and negative mind chatter, and affect your ability to carry out your day to day living as you worry about the actions of yourself and others.

A very important part of creating the life you dream of, and achieving success in any area is focus. In very simplistic terms, you move toward whatever you are focused on. Worry is negative thinking that is focused on things going wrong, and ending badly. Your mind cannot focus on two things at the same time, so if you are worrying about what is going to go wrong, you cannot be creating solutions, or focusing on the bright side of life.

If you are a chronic worrier, you may not even be aware of what you are worrying about, but instead be just waiting for “things to go wrong” again. This is “disaster thinking” and taints your beliefs and behaviors. It can be a sign of an anxiety disorder, or depression, or the result of a destructive lifestyle such as addictions or violence. Consider getting help to deal with any underlying lifestyle or health issues.

There are some techniques that can help you to break a worry habit. These include:

• If you find your mind churning over problems and how bad things are, identify what exactly is bothering you. Change the focus from how bad it is, to creating solutions. What do you want to happen? Visualize a positive outcome for the problem. Work out how you can make changes, and take action to create the best outcome. If you find yourself slipping back into worry, remind yourself that you are creating a positive outcome and visualize your desired outcome. 

• If you find yourself going over and over your problems at night, tell your mind that you are going to sleep and it is time to be quiet. Speak to your mind as if it is a child who will not go to sleep at night time. You may have to repeat this several times. I used to think I had no control over “mind chatter” but was amazed to find this is not true. If this does not work, get up, move around, maybe have a glass of warm milk or other soothing drink and go back to bed again.

• Other ways of quieting your mind at night time are keeping a notepad beside your bed and jotting down any thoughts, good or bad, to deal with in the day time. Spend some time in the day time dealing with these issues.

Do you live from day to day, becoming overwhelmed by what is going on, and possibly feeling out of control with your circumstances. It may be time to create a life plan, and prioritize what is important in your life. You can find more information on doing this in my journal “Creating An Extraordinary Life”. The “problem” I have now is when I wake up in the middle of the night with ideas about articles or new websites I can write, but at least that is positive. I now find I wake up and want to get up an hour early to write. Now that is exciting.

I suggest you read the book “Complaint Free World” which I have written about in this blog. Although complaining is different to worrying, they are both negative behaviors. This book gives excellent teaching, and techniques for changing your thinking about complaining. It can help you to understand how destructive negative thinking and language is to yourself and others. You could think of worrying as a form of complaining to yourself.

As you become more aware of the negative effects of worry, you will also become more aware of how much you worry. By developing an awareness, you become more able to shut it down, and developing more positive responses to your concerns and events in your life. It is important that you do not simply stop worrying. Worrying is a negative behavior or habit and you need to replace it with another positive productive habit. This would include creating solutions, and learning to quiet your mind.

Some sort of “time-out” is an absolute must for creating a positive, productive life. I will be writing very soon about some different forms of meditation, and will link this article through at that time. You need some quiet, non-thinking time daily, and also regular time away from your regular surroundings to recharge your batteries, and relax. Just as your muscles get tired when you repeat the same exercise, your mind needs variety and a chance to recover.

Take some time now to picture your life with less worry, and more strategies for creating solutions.

Part of that process may need to include developing an understanding of yourself, and your strengths. Take the first step now and download a FREE copy of my e-book "Introduction To Understanding People's Personalities" and learn about your strengths.

Have a wonderful day ( and STOP worrying...).

Does Stress Affect Your Immune System?

The studies have been done. It has been clearly proven that stress has a detrimental effect on your immunity. Your body is geared to make an immediate response to an acute stress such as possible attack. You will have heard about fight or flight which helps you to react if you hear someone downstairs in the middle of the night. Your body is ready to respond if you cut yourself, or become infected with a virus. Platelets rush to the surface to stop blood flow, or you develop a sore throat as your body produces antibodies to fight off infection.

But what happens when you face chronic stress? Psychologists Suzanne Segerstrom, Ph.D., and Gregory Miller, Ph.D. found that “chronic, long-term stress suppresses the immune system. The longer the stress, the more the immune system shifted from the adaptive changes seen in the “fight or flight” response to more negative changes, first at the cellular level and later in broader immune function. The most chronic stressors – stress that seems beyond a person's control or seems endless – resulted in the most global suppression of immunity. Almost all measures of immune system function dropped across the board.”

APA Online, http://www.psychologymatters.org/stressimmune.html reports the study results for the effect of stress on people. One study measuring the effect of stress on students during their 3-day exam time. It was found that their immunity was suppressed by a number of factors. It was also found that those most affected were those students who were lonely, and had small social networks.

The problem with stress is the “fallout” from both your stressors, the consequences of the stress and any ill health that occurs because of your poor immunity. These stress factors can include:

• Overtime at work
• Reduced income as a result of business cutbacks or spouse losing job.
• Loss of home, vehicles through recession.
• Psychological problems, fear, anxiety, because of potential and current major changes.
• Unwell family member.
• Relationship breakdowns.
• Exhaustion.
• Ill health, especially longterm, repeated illnesses, deterioration of health.

The fallout and stress response can include:

• Loss of appetite.
• Poor diet because of cost saving, or buying takeaways to save time.
• Worrying about what might happen. 
• Overeating.
• Extra costs for medical care.
• Poor, or loss of sleep.
• No family time.
• Problems with children.
• Lifestyle changes.
• Self-medicating.
• Unbalanced life, with focus on problem areas.
• Cannot afford usual social activities.
• Decreased social circle.
• Life affected by external stressors.
• Feelings of being out of control.

If you recognize that you have stress in your life, please take the time to assess your situation now. It is not likely to improve if you keep pushing on. It could get a lot worse. Look at the cause of the stress, and the effects of the stress on you and your family. Talk to your boss, your health professionals, your spouse, your banker and other support people. Change can be scary at times, but if you initiate the changes, you have more control than if it is forced on you.  Learning techniques of managing stress will ensure that stress is not managing you.

Remember, you are not alone, and very unlikely to be the first person to face this problem.

Have courage, get support, make a plan.

Have a wonderful day.

Celebrate Good Times, Come On - Kool And The Gang

Today I am launching the “Create Health” section of my blog. Before I start to write about regaining health, managing or understanding health problems, and how to eat for health, I want to talk about our most amazing gift, our body which gives us life.

I never cease to be amazed that 2 little cells can get together, with a little bit of help from Mum and Dad, and in no time at all, a perfectly formed person. By the end of the first 3 months of pregnancy, you have all your limbs which are starting to move, and all your organs that are starting to function. Your little tiny body has just begun its journey that will hopefully last for the next 75 to 80 years.

The ability to grow from 2 cells to trillions of specialized, organized cells, which can repair themselves, reproduce themselves, and reproduce another human being and get it right most of the time is mind boggling. When my children were little, I used to love watching them learn to move, talk and become independent. It always amazed me that their little limbs and muscles were constantly moving, climbing and testing their limits. They would try and fit themselves into objects that their body would not fit, or get stuck when they tried to turn around. Their bodies were capable of doing things, but they had to learn how to make it happen.

We as humans, spend a lot of time, money and effort to keep ourselves healthy and alive. That would suggest that life is very important to us as humans. Obviously, duh? Unfortunately, we spend as much time trying to ruin that, or take advantage of our forgiving bodies. Otherwise, why would we invent chocolate, MacDees, pizza, no exercise, alcohol, and happy pills? In the end, our bodies do start to break down as they are unable to cope with the abuse we give them.

We all possess an amazing will to live, and an amazing body to live in. When it is in full health we have a zest for life, we feel good, we are ready to participate in life. Do you remember the last time you felt fabulous, healthy, gorgeous, and ready to take on the world? Maybe it is time to thank your body for all it has done for you, and promise to take it back to its original, mint condition and start enjoying the results.

Have a wonderful day.